Do What You Do.

Lately I've become aware of something in me that resents something in someone else.  Trying to put this into words, so it'll be out of my head.

I met a new friend some time ago who welcomed me into her life immediately.  No questions, no judgments, just wholehearted acceptance and encouragement from the very start.  And I really do appreciate that.  Probably more than I realize right now.  As time has gone by, I've seen a need in her to be the center of attention, to be in the spotlight.  And this is where I run into mucky feelings.

It's not that I want to be everyone's focus.  But due to the unique circumstances of the situation, I find myself being pushed into her shadow.  And I am NOT a shadow-dweller.  I may not always need to be #1, but when I'm pigeonholed into someone else's shadow, I get a little grumpy.  I guess I need to pray my way to the root of THAT...because what it comes down to is that this is how other people see things, and I shouldn't care about others' point of view, cliche, cliche, and so on and so forth.  But I (and I can't really think I'm the only one who feels this way) want to be recognized for my individuality, my presence as just myself.  Being lumped into something by someone else just scrapes against my nerves.  And even as I'm typing through this and mulling things over, I'm pretty sure I recognize pride in here.  I've come across pride in myself at various times throughout my life, so it doesn't surprise me...but it saddens me.  Because here I am having these icky feelings about someone else because of my own stuff.

So...what's the solution?

Well, maintaining my focus comes to mind first.  I am in a certain place (be it work, home, the gym, or wherever) to do what I am there to do.  Not to get sidetracked by distracting thoughts.  Not to let other people's issues get in the way of what I need to do.  Not to win some popularity contest or be everyone's favorite.  If I can be of help to someone else, that is definitely a bonus.  But to be real, that's not the primary reason for everything I'm doing right now.

Not to mention that I'm a far cry from perfection...and wait.  Someone else might see things in me that they resent.  As hard as that is for me to believe (har har har) I have to acknowledge it.

And other people have their own mission/purpose/reason also.  Maybe my role is to be a quiet supporter and a hard worker where someone else really needs to shine.  If that's what they need to accomplish their goals, who am I to knock anyone down?  I sure don't know what's in the deepest parts of my own self, let alone what's going in on the inside of anyone else.

So.  Praying.  Because that changes MY heart towards others...and I have a hunch that's what God wants in the first place.  And He does some really cool stuff.  Like, wicked cool.  So I'm going to pray for humility where I have pride.

And so.  Allowing others the room they need to do what they need to do.  That's what I want, and in the grand scheme of things, allowing this for others will also give me more room for what I need to do.

What do we do with our problems?

Saw this on Facebook today.

It actually put me into a little bit of shock, tbh.

I don't agree with this at all.

Firstly, because it tells me that I fall into one of these groups of people - either the 80% who don't care, or the 20% who are glad.  And that's just not true of me.  I almost feel like this statement doesn't even give caring people a chance.  And while it's completely up to each one of us if we talk about our problems or not, I value being given an opportunity to listen, and to share if I feel I have something of value to share.  If someone trusts me with a problem they're having, I feel a great sense of honor and a closer connection with that person.

Secondly - the idea of never telling my problems to anyone is an isolating, lonely and overwhelming one.  When I internalize my problems, they never come to light.  I'm a big fan of having things out in the open.  Truth and transparency, in my opinion, take the power away from secrets.  Also, if I don't talk to anyone about my problems, I don't get nearly as much chance to learn from my experiences or to get feedback or perspective from anywhere except my own mind.  And really, my own mind can be a scary place to live sometimes.  When left to my own devices, I create a whirling dervish of downward thought that never creates a resolution.

I don't know...this idea just creates a box that I can't stand to think of living in.

It's a toughy...

I just have to get this out of my system.

I don't know how to handle when I'm putting my heart and soul into something and others aren't. I know all the clichés about being kind because people are fighting battles I don't know anything about, and how Jesus loves everybody, blah blah blah. But the simple fact is there are people who take advantage of their situation or get away with as much as they can, and it really burns me up inside. When I am busting my ass and making sacrifices I cannot stand to see someone else being lazy. This doesn't even really explain the depth of my anger and my feeling of being taken for granted. But this is going to have to do for now.

Shopping Epiphany

I was in need of some clothes for an upcoming event (which shall, for now, remain nameless).  Being the weight I am right now, clothes shopping is nowhere near as fun as it used to be.  Well, it hasn't been, anyway.  And I've put off buying any new clothes because "I'm going to lose weight".  Which I still am, by the way.  But the truth is, I haven't yet.  I took off 5 pounds but that's barely a dent in what I need to do.  And that's a whole different blog post, I think.

Anyway, I found myself needing a certain type of clothes for this week.  So I hauled myself down to Maplewood Mall because they have a JCPenney, a Sears, AND a Kohl's.  I don't mind shopping at these stores, because they have the more "classic" styles (read: not trendy!) and the prices are decent.  As a matter of fact, Maplewood is one of my favorite malls to shop at.  It's easy to navigate, it has lots of stores that I like, and it's pretty close to home.  I saved the trip for this afternoon, because I wanted to have a kind of leisurely shopping experience.  I anticipated needing to browse clearance racks, because of course I was shopping out of season, and that act itself is not something that can be done bing-bang-boom.  I found some clothes that I liked, and proceeded to the fitting room.

Now let's take a quick break.  I think I've been kinda in denial about the size and shape of my body the past few years.  Again, I won't get into all those details right now, but it's resulted in my trying to fit into clothes that are just too small.  I'll buy a new pair of pants or a shirt in the size I've been buying for 15 years, because that's the size I wear, and that's the size I should be.  Then I'll get it home and manage to get it on, only to be uncomfortable and adjusting my clothes all day when I stand up from my chair or whatever.  Plus, I'm sure it doesn't look very nice.  They don't fall the way they should and I have this horrible image of trying to fit 10 pounds of sausage into a 5 pound bag.  (Nice image, right?)

I didn't want that anymore.  The clothes I picked out today were a larger size.  Because, truth be told, I am right now a larger size.  I'm not happy about it, but that's the way it is.  And the thing was:  When I tried the clothes on today?  They fit.  They looked nice and they did what they were supposed to do.

And you know what else?  This is the REALLY weird part.  I felt good wearing them.

I don't feel good about my size, and I know some people have difficulty finding the difference in what I'm saying.  But I also know that this has never happened to me before and it really was an eye-opening experience.  I can be dissatisfied with my circumstances (my weight and my size), but that doesn't mean I have to be miserable about them.  If I make the best of them, then when they do change, I can make the best of my new circumstances.  And like a good friend reminded me today, when we look good, we feel good.

The avoidance strategy

Okay. Are people so afraid to tell the truth that they choose NO communication at all?
What could possibly bring this on, particularly in a semi-distant but pleasant relationship where there is interaction on a pretty regular basis?
Am I the only one who imagines the worst when completely shut down by someone else for no visible reason?
And if the relationship wasn't that close in the first place...
...
Why do I even care?

I saw it, but I did not understand...

Note: This receipt only acknowledges that the message was displayed on the recipient's computer. There is no guarantee that the recipient has read or understood the message contents.

I just got the above message in a return receipt from an e-mail I sent.  It got me thinking.  How much do I see in my daily life that I don't really read or understand?  How much responsibility do I have to make sure that I delve where I need to, and how much am I supposed to rely on others to provide details?  And conversely, how much am I expected to make readily available to the people in my life?

Trying to choose happiness.

I see all these posts, photos, etc. encouraging people in general (and me in particular) to be positive, choose happiness, count my blessings, and on and on...

So here's my struggle...
Actually doing it.
I don't want to be one of those people I dread running into, whether on Facebook or in actual face-to-face encounters.  You know the ones.  mope...mope...mope...the strongest ones cry on the inside...wah...wah...wah...i'm constantly in pain...blah...blah...blah...
But I don't want to be fake either. "YAY! I LOVE MY LIFE AND EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY 100% PERFECT IN EVERY SINGLE WAY!"
I guess it's not easy being real WHILE being positive.  But that's what I'm shooting for.  I know the poor-me attitude serves no real purpose other than to bring me down (and those around me, too).  And I know that dwelling in my misery does nothing to abate it or to solve the problems behind it.  So I have to actively say, "Yep, you know what?  People sometimes hurt me.  I have made choices in my life that have resulted in me being who and where I am right now.  Guess what else?  I can't go back and undo any of it.  I am thankful for a house with working air conditioning, a husband who loves me and who I enjoy the heck out of, kids who crack me up and are working to be good to each other, dogs who think I'm the best thing ever, a job that is flexible and allows me so much time at home while still getting the bills paid (and a break from home too!), a car that runs even with over 200k miles on it, a swimming pool that's on its way, a healthy body and mind, and working appliances."
And let that be it.