I saw it, but I did not understand...

Note: This receipt only acknowledges that the message was displayed on the recipient's computer. There is no guarantee that the recipient has read or understood the message contents.

I just got the above message in a return receipt from an e-mail I sent.  It got me thinking.  How much do I see in my daily life that I don't really read or understand?  How much responsibility do I have to make sure that I delve where I need to, and how much am I supposed to rely on others to provide details?  And conversely, how much am I expected to make readily available to the people in my life?

Trying to choose happiness.

I see all these posts, photos, etc. encouraging people in general (and me in particular) to be positive, choose happiness, count my blessings, and on and on...

So here's my struggle...
Actually doing it.
I don't want to be one of those people I dread running into, whether on Facebook or in actual face-to-face encounters.  You know the ones.  mope...mope...mope...the strongest ones cry on the inside...wah...wah...wah...i'm constantly in pain...blah...blah...blah...
But I don't want to be fake either. "YAY! I LOVE MY LIFE AND EVERYTHING IS ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY 100% PERFECT IN EVERY SINGLE WAY!"
I guess it's not easy being real WHILE being positive.  But that's what I'm shooting for.  I know the poor-me attitude serves no real purpose other than to bring me down (and those around me, too).  And I know that dwelling in my misery does nothing to abate it or to solve the problems behind it.  So I have to actively say, "Yep, you know what?  People sometimes hurt me.  I have made choices in my life that have resulted in me being who and where I am right now.  Guess what else?  I can't go back and undo any of it.  I am thankful for a house with working air conditioning, a husband who loves me and who I enjoy the heck out of, kids who crack me up and are working to be good to each other, dogs who think I'm the best thing ever, a job that is flexible and allows me so much time at home while still getting the bills paid (and a break from home too!), a car that runs even with over 200k miles on it, a swimming pool that's on its way, a healthy body and mind, and working appliances."
And let that be it.

Longing for a connection

I have a recurring desire to connect with a girl friend.  On like a thousand levels.  Almost like I had a sister or something.
The problem is, when I gather enough of myself to reach out and ask someone (and no, I'm not asking them to be my BFF, but just to have coffee, chill over breakfast, whatever), two things happen: 1) I'm turned down, and 2) it's not reciprocated.
Is it really possible that everyone already has a best friend and I'm the odd one out?
I really try not to be whiny or have an attitude of entitlement, but I really want to know.
I am aware that the decisions people make in life lead to where they are...have I made choices that have alienated me?
I also know that sometimes personalities don't click...am I boring, selfish, needy, socially inept?
Does the fact that I'm sitting here asking these questions prove that I'm fundamentally not BFF material?
I'm afraid to ask, because I'm sure I won't believe any answers that are positive about me, and I don't really want anyone to tell me anything negative.
BAHAHA...I'm a mess...or am I?

Could it be that I'm reaching out to the wrong people?  What if my real BFF isn't someone I've been striving to connect with?  Oh my...then who IS it?

Or is it just circumstances?  Everyone is busy.

BLAH.  Mind circling. Feeling looney tunes.

Oh, and P.S....anyone who reads this, don't accept any responsibility for this.  It's seepage...not a reflection on anyone else.

A little bit of yuck.

Just a little background:
I've been steadily gaining weight over the past couple of years.  This winter I hit a point I never thought I would hit.  It's gotten to where I don't want my picture taken, just not where I want to be at all.  I have a membership at Snap Fitness in town and haven't made much use of it (which is silly, because our insurance company reimburses me if I go a certain number of times per month).  Anyway, just lately I have a renewed motivation to go to the gym and try to make healthier decisions for myself.  So tonight was night #2 in a row of going to the gym.  :)

I burst into tears tonight after I was done working out.

This has NEVER happened to me before.  I usually have a pretty positive view of myself (sometimes overly so - more than might be realistic, even) and I'm usually able to focus on being happy about having had a good workout and feel the effects of the endorphins coursing through my body.  I also usually pay very little to no attention to the other people at the gym.  I don't know any of them anyway, and I'm there just for myself.
I don't know what happened tonight.
I had a really good workout - went to town on my upper body and abs, then did 20 minutes on the elliptical to round it out.  Physically I was just feeling really "up" and like I might be on the right track.
There were 2 girls at the gym - late teens, early 20's, somewhere in there, just as skinny as you could want to be, cute and giggly and perky.  They were at the gym the entire time I was there and I never saw them do any kind of exercise or weight lifting at all.  I kind of thought it was stupid to go to the gym and then not do anything, but meh, whatever.
So as I finished on the elliptical, feeling decent-to-pretty-good about the workout I'd just finished, I glanced over at these girls again for some reason.  Then I looked at myself in the mirror, and all hell broke loose inside of me.
I felt like a joke.  Like a fat slobby joke.
I felt like what I was doing was pointless because there is no way in a million years that I will ever look like those girls.
I felt like the "me" from 15 years ago would have looked at the "me" now and thought, "Lady, you better work a lot harder."
Try as I might, I cannot get that fat, ugly feeling out of my system.  I've been crying for about a half an hour now and I still just feel fresh pain in my heart when I think about that view of myself in that mirror.
I don't have an answer or a "conclusion" to this post, but I thought it might help to get it out.  We'll see.